| Losing A Loved One... An Eye-Opening ExperienceKOLO Blog Listing | |||||
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Death... as a blog topic... is hard to write about. But as I sit in my grandmother's hospice room... 3,000 miles in Maine... it's a lot to think about... even if it is an extremely personal topic. The short story? My grandmother just turned 84 last month and has always been happy and healthy. But a few years back... her kidneys shut down and she has been on dialysis ever since. It was just two weeks ago that she chose to go off dialysis... and we knew then, it was only a matter of time. Doctors gave her about a week, so family from all over the country packed bags and headed home... to the coast of Southern Maine. Now, having been here 5 days already... I have to watch it happen. She has been off dialysis for over two weeks almost, and hasn't eaten in that same time frame. We, the family, have been sitting in her room since we got here. It's sad to say... but it's exhausting. Yet I feel so much... and am learning so much. And yes, we get to visit with family, think about the old times... and reminisce. I wish I had the strength to volunteer at a place like this. Do you know most hospice centers are free? They just want family and the loved one to be comfortable, so they take care of everything. It's like a nice hotel... with all the goodies you could want. Did you know hearing is the last sense to go? We are talking to her sometimes, and about her other times, making arrangements and so forth. But books advise not to talk about your loved one as this is happening, as if they aren't here, because they can still hear you! Then... the body has to have closure in two different ways. The first, is physical. I think she is already past that. The signs we have been taught are there... and it's strangely amazing to watch what can happen to the human life form. The second is emotional. This is where I think my Grammie is not finished. Books say many times even if the body is ready let go, the mind and heart isn't. We then hang on to work out emotions in our head. My family has agreed on the idea that us being here is actually preventing her from letting go. She knows she will continue to see us every day until she goes... and she doesn't want to "hurt" us by leaving. However, last night, we all said goodbye and she told us to have fun. Doctors say sometimes they need that... to hear us say it's ok to go. So we did. Today, she is not alert or responsive. We just want her to be at peace. Reality is setting in, but we just want her comfortable and with her husband.. We want her to know that we are happy, healthy, and will keep her alive in memory and toast to her with manhattans - her favorite drink. My family on both sides has always chosen a celebration of life... and we will do so with her as well. Now, I am literally staring death in the face... and it's scary... eerie... amazing.... and real. It makes you think about things that you have done... and what would happen if you went tomorrow. It makes me want to continue to be more aware of my surroundings... share time with close ones... and live life to the fullest. But that is hard sometimes. So many things in life, the big things, can be a struggle and no one is constantly happy. I guess it's more so letting these things roll off our backs instead of dwelling. And that's my challenge. As hard as all this is... I'm glad I came. I learned a lot. And although my Grammie may keep on after I leave... at least I got to say goodbye. On the other hand, now, a few hours after writing this... we think it's only hours away. I guess my moral of the story is... let things out and don't hold them in, express your love, treat others well, pick your battles wisely, and be prepared - for anything could happen tomorrow. Wouldn't you agree? Dedicated to Frances C. Minster, 1924-2008... We love you Grammie! |
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Posted by: Lynn Location: New York
I am not sure how old you are..but it is exactly what happend when I lost my mother..1 1/2 years ago....embrace life and tell the people you love how much you love them..life is short..You sound mature beyond your years...My blessings.. Posted by: Cindy Location: Southern California My Father went to be with the Lord February 22, 2006. I had the opportunity to spend the night with him in the hospital less than a week before he passed. I'll never forget the feeling of his hand in mine, and my steady prayer for him to breathe. Just breathe. Diagnosed with malignant melanoma, it was the subsequent brain tumors that left him unable to walk, yet blessedly he felt no pain. The day Dad passed into the arms of God, he had watched Wheel of Fortune and visited with relatives. Though I was home with a sick child when he took his last breath, I'll never regret that night Dad and I had together. Sometimes when I especially miss him, I clasp my own hands together and can almost feel the warmth of his hand in mine. I still say, "Bye, Dad," where he used to sit in his recliner when I leave my Mom's house, and rub the spot where his head would have been. The same head I kissed so many times before when I'd say "See ya," 'cause I never was good at saying "goodbye." Posted by: Dale Ray Location: Reno I can understand how hard it must have been for you I am still trying to work through the loss of my parents late last year. All I can say is stay close to friends and family because that is what they are there for. Posted by: alone soul Location: lost in the cold world I lost my mama in 2003 and 1998 my dad on my birthday it hard to put in words he was never relly in my life I had to grow up by myself it was hard enff not getting a delpomlia from high school I sit here wishing their was more in my life but their not a family that apart not together it hurts because you see people with their and you just cry. and to grow up and the doctor say you die before you 2years old that just hard!! my mom and dad were not married when they had me. lost both grandmother and grandfather and uncle and number of friends that were friends. I can't tell you that everything ok but hang in there it has to get better. I hope so? I miss my family with all my heart! Posted by: Robin C. Location: Reno, NV Losing a loved one, no matter the relationship, is very difficult. My mother committed suicide when I was 18, 12 days before my first child was due, my baby sister (32 years old at the time) was murdered in July 1992, my younger sister dropped dead at age 44 in 2000, and then my father died of colon cancer 5 years ago. I was holding his hand when he took his last breath. One must draw upon one's inner strength and thank God that we had these people in our lives, if only for a short time. Losing a loved one may be an eye opening experience, but it's also heart wrenching, and can be a tool to make us stronger, if we can look past the loss and look for the good that was in the person we lost. We can't change anything, but we can certainly allow our grief to help us grow and to help others who may be going through the same thing. Posted by: Sandy Location: Fallon I know what it's like to lose a loved one. I lost my dad in 1992, my mom 2004 and my uncle the same year and then I lost my aunt in 2006. I was very close to all of them. I miss them alot. I had to watch my parents die but not my aunt and uncle. I know how you feel and I give you my condolences. Posted by: Anonymous Kim, there are three of your grandmother's brothers living in Sacramento, Bob, Otto and Eddie. We should plan to all meet sometime in the near future. I understand Rudy will be in Sac. in August. There are lots of cousins also! Keep in touch.... Pat akamomto7@yahoo.com Posted by: Kimberly Location: Reno, NV Pat - this is Kim! Amazing... I never even knew she had family out here, although when my Dad was young they lived in San Francisco. We were just watching many old home movies from the 60's... I wonder if your husband is in there? My Dad and I brought it back to show our significant others, who couldn't make the trip with us, so I will have to keep an eye out and tell my family! Thank you for your kind thoughts! Posted by: Pat Location: Folsom, Ca Kimberly, I am married to your Grammie's brother, Eddie. They were quite good friends in their youth and your grandmother "mothered " him as only a big sister can do. He was so fond of her! It is sad to me how siblings grow apart through distance and circumstance over the years. I accidently found your blog by "googling" her name. I'm so glad I found it because it brings back to me the whole dynamic of death of someone you love as I experienced the same feelings just a few years ago with may parents. Thank you for being courageous enough to face your fears so you could be at her side. You will never regret the time you spent with her. God bless you and your entire family. May God give you His richest blessings and peace. Pat Schmidt |
